When Devine Powers Reside The Writers, The Emotions Get Roasted on the Papers

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Some things lying here and there..

The room is not in one of its very tidy states, its rather has a lot of things lying here and there. I lie on the bed just like any other thing around the bedside and on the floor, thinking about what I would like to have for dinner but soon i realized its not many choices i get lately, I opened my eyes. I have not treated myself well over last two years, but I woke up and set aside the blanket which now smells of the perfume I wore yesterday. It was 7:00 pm then and I was sick, I still am, not just of the body ace but the saturated and stagnant life I am living.
I sat up on the crumbled bed sheet which covered a torn mattress, the springs have now started acting like an alarm, the mattress would not let me sleep more than 6 hours before waking me up of back ache and forcing me to realize how important it is to change postures if you cannot change the mattress.
Well, the timer clock was blinking and the light green digits seemed blur as the clock changed the angle, I might have kicked it in sleep. I stood up and my bare feet could feel the light and fine dust, I have now got used to the noise which the main road just outside my window makes, cars, ambulances and anything that has a pair of wheels, breaking the symmetry of the peace I now only experience while I am asleep with that air cutting noise. The mirror looks like its reached its old age and as the age progresses things start looking blur so did the mirror, as if it had trouble reading the images and everything i reflected was a bit blur deformed with colors but still it was reflecting a few sparkles of light which found a way through my open window and these sparkles came from the high risen sky kissing towers in the city and the cricket stadium not too far, but down the hill.
I could see the light outside my room was turned on and it was seeping under my door and the key hole making its best efforts to intrude my world and peak into what was lying in the laundry basket which sits just in front of the door. I moved it and tried to open the door and it opened with slightest of efforts.
Thinking of food and the breath of empty stomach I reached the kitchen, passed it and moved towards the bathroom. The shower jell was the only thing that kept me interested in washing my face. walking back to the kitchen, I looked in the fridge and found that my throat was soar and there can be nothing I could get out of this amazing cooling machine, a cooling machine so great that it can preserve things for a long time, i wonder will any one invent a way to preserve memories as well.? well that's a tricky one. Shutting the door, I walked towards the shelves where I remember keeping a packet of 2 minutes noodles. Ah it was there, but looks like it was the only the wrapper that was left there, with a couple of crumbs inside it left just like a few memories are left behind when the time moves on.
I then did some brain storming after that and suddenly I found cereals on the bench top, I warmed some milk and walked into my world, my room again. The door was swinging in wind, suddenly a wind blew in an parted that moisture from the room's atmosphere. On the floor was lying a pair of socks which i washed along with other clothes but they might have fallen off while i was keeping them in the cupboard. I decided to leave them.... the dark room was now partially lit with a couple of sources of light outside.
Dinner was not the same as i thought, but at least it was not that bad. while eating, i saw a couple of interesting things which i didn't notice before, the books and the lecture notes i used to read over an over an over again were now lying unnoticed and carelessly stacked up on the chest in the right corner of my room just next to the window. There was an empty can of deodorant with a same new can which i bought just yesterday. There was a fallen piece of paper which gathered my attention when the wind blew again and moved it on the floor. The door was shut with a force by the wind as I took last sip of the milk left in the white china noodle bowl with pale white shrubs painted on it, as if letting me that its time to get back.
I kept the bowl on the so called site table which was too small to be called a coffee table and too big to be a side stool. Its an unpolished wooden table with rough surface a stains of food on it, but i remember cleaning it before I took it in my room. On that table lay another similar bowl and three coffee cups and one ketchup dispenser.
I moved the items away from the proximity of my impact while I am asleep along with the table. Moved my pillow which was stuck in the gap between the single bed and the wall which has the picture of my parents. The same picture which was the first printout from the new printer I bought, which now lies next to the digital clock covered with a pillow cover.
I looked at the ceiling and when I fell asleep I found peace which I could never return to the items in my room, things which were lying here and there

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Aye Mei Zindai

Mitti Jhulas kar patthar ban gayi,
Meri Saanson mein ye hawa lo aaj simat gayi.
Door itna aa gaya hoon aur ab shaam ho chali hai,
Ab kahan jaoon, vahin shayad jahan mujhe meri soch kheench rahi hai.

Hadein paar ki, saare usoolon ko toda,
Is ke baad bhi tujhe paya na to shayad maine apni shaksiyat ka wazan na tola.
Woh kasak, vo junoon tere jaate hi sar par chhad jaata hai,
Mera kya hai, mian to vo pyaasa baadal hoon jo maksad ki pyaas mein uda chala jaata hai.

Is baar ek aisa tohfa de ja,
Dil seena faad kar bahar aa jaye,
Khoon ragon mein daud jaye aise,
Jaise zameen se lava phoot jaye
Tujh se koi gila na hoga aye zindagi,
Bas is baar apni bulandiyon ka saamna kuch aise kara ja
Ki unchayiyon se se neeche dekhna bhi namumkin ho jaye.

Monday, August 10, 2009


Aaajkal logon ko ahsaas nahi hota,
Aajkal dilon ka mel nahi hota.
Aajkal bas dhoop mien sulagti khushbu hai , jise udne se rokna bas mien nahi hota.

Hum se main aur tum ho jaate hain,
Pal mien ye rishte badal jaate hain,
Bahte paani se thande ye dil ho jaate hain, jinme na main na tum aur na hum saanse le paate hian.

Aaj, kal aur kal kya tha, ye sochne ka waqt kiske paas hai,
Hai to insaan hi, jahan pyaar mile vahi khicha chala jaata hai.
Ye Dil, ye dard aji huzur kaun chumega, ab to waqt hi doosron ke ghar dil bahlaane chala jaata hai.

Aajkal kaun sochta hia ki kaash aisa kuch hota
Aajkal dilon mein shayad vo sailaab umda hota,
Aajkal kaash dhoop kuch kam nikalti, khushbu udti hui shayad thodi kam jhulasti
Aaajkal logon ko ahsaas nahi hota,
Aajkal dilon ka mel nahi hota.
Aajkal bas dhoop mien sulagti khushbu hai , jise udne se rokna bas mien nahi hota.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Roasted ICE

Heart was cold, a picture was falling to pieces, a journey was ending and i stood by my self looking at that Grey shadows formed by the full moon light and the other by the lamp post. It was 10:00 PM on 28th of July. Its been 13 days since I am spending time forgiving the feeling which i could never forget, 13 days and 13 nights of struggle to let go.
I stood like i never would and thinking "IS IT TIME?". I wanted to give it one more try and wanted to be sure, i never got a clear indication. It was the TIME to LET GO.
The easterly winds were blowing and the Autumn leaves were running away from me too. I was looking above the showers of the emotions making my soul wet and eroding it away. The ice was hard. I started walking, towards home, HOME... huh!! what a word. Its no longer what it used to be.
The cars were making sound of cutting winds with the wheels and that seemed to be trying to break the iced heart, I heard the hardest words in my life, I was realizing what a fool i am.
I lost my smile tonight, i don't know for how long, I sacrificed my precious possession. I walked home, unlocked the door, fed the fish and saw how quiet they both were, my inside and outside.
Entering my doors, i didn't turn the light on, the table lamp was giving the florescent violet light which was making my room light just fine.
I removed the jacket lying on my chair and saw the chess board on my desk. The queen of whites was fallen off the check. The soldier of the black was fallen too. I realized just then that what ever breaks it does not break even.
The winds did not leave me alone intruding though the open windows, cooling my iced heart , one very brittle and shining like crystal and transparent like spring waters, my heart.
I felt no cold, no pain, I was numb, still am.
I am still alive, but barely breathing.
I took out my roaster hoping to give warmth and stop the bleeding heart to bleed. I turned on the switch and waited for the ice to break and look for any love left inside, I waited and looked carefully while i could smell the burning. I decided to wait, as i waited for months for the cure. Took me so long to make my own heart perfect for others. It was a masterpiece, a perfect gift, a perfect reflection of me.... well that is what i thought.... The roaster was going into flames now, but the ice was never melting, i could not see through the frost what was there in it. I so wanted to see what I once used to adore....
Those days were so great, I even lived the 25th hour, but i don't feel now that i am strong enough, to even lift it.
The flames were reaching the roof and i was just waiting for the smoke alarms to go on and sprinklers to shower. My face was painted with dancing fire and my eyes were giving the reflection of what was going on. But the ice never melted, I roasted it instead... the ice that was formed when she laughed when i was broken, it was frozen when I was there and she was leaving... My eyes were closed, my heart saw it all.... the chill went deep inside. My masterpiece was being being crushed by some one, My eyes were shut,
Now the roast is complete and the flames were going down as there was nothing to burn anymore... i couldn't see for once what was behind that hard rock ice, its now dark and smoking... but at least not paining any more.... It gone for ever.

I have to breath again, i am running out of breath.

I roasted the ICE.... I roasted it.... all that was in it... which i could never see.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

My Roast.

Hi there,
I have been through a lot of emotional ordeals in past one year out of which my initial eight weeks of stay in Australia and the current week are on the chef's special menus when it comes to talking about emotional flavors. Having said that it becomes obvious to talk about the ingredients of the recipe of this first roast.
Talking about the current week, as the flavor is still very strong on my cognitive taste buds, I have been through a lot of shuffling emotions and the journey is not yet complete. I think that emotions are not something which you can have control on, I mean this is just my opinion, or you can say that i tried controlling them but it did not worked out for me. Emotions to me are like the pieces of puzzles of life because you can't get all right the first time. I read a lot and in starting my emotions were guided by the facts which i read. I used to read Psychological research papers, read a few books which made me look into the abyss of my mind and realize that what i was doing was right without even thinking about how I would implement those learning when it comes to need.

In my Life of 25 years, I might have seen a lot of emotions out of which I remember only a few, We remember what we have in our active brains, but when we are children a lot of the emotions go into the sub-conscious brain which then forms a PERSONALITY. This learning and this subconscious matter is gained from the time we are fertilized in the womb of out mothers. Why am I talking about it? The reason is simple, I like you to look into what you've become and what you really are?

I have been always thinking about what I wished and what I could have become while looking at things around me, people around me doing things to themselves, Buying a Ferrari, Getting married to a Loving wife, Solving every problem in mind and keeping a clear soul even after doing what one is not capable of. But in this I never thought that what I am is what I am and no one else, and if I try so hard of not being me,they can Never reflect what I am even when I make them my Mirror.
"People" .. what a wonderful thing God thought He made, but He also decided to eradicate all nature and rebuilt it again. The ARC and the pairs of all pure animals and birds of their kinds, the man and the three sons, and the LORD. Theses are the ingredients for the ROAST of HUMAN EMOTIONS. But what we get now out of a second generation of Human Race after the Great floods hit the Earth, for 40 days and Night it rained to wash away the ugly Humans and the mistake that we made. God made a promise He'll never do such a thing again, but instead left us burning in our own pain if we decided to do what we wish. Thinking about what I might get out of the untruthful world full of painless people with stone hearts and no signs of their own inside them, it seems every one is a mirror for another, just like I said before, it can never reflect what one is by being someone else.
We all become some one else all the times, we listen to mates, and start forming our likes and dislikes, we see the places on the beautiful face of Earth, and we form a picture of our life at the same time thinking may be someday I'll be here again. These are all emotions and nothing but emotions.
The whole life one lives is full of emotions, full of experiences which gives some one an emotion. Emotions are like antidote for feelings. They come into actions when a feeling is generated in the spine and goes all the way to every muscle and blood vessel in our body, the feeling triggers the emotions which then gains control over the brain and then the brain gains controls of the senses.
Emotions is a sea in which we are the fish, can't live out of it. They are like breaths we take, with every one we breath life and then move to next in order to live. Yes, I cannot live without emotions, none can you I suppose. Why would I want to sail in some one's sea of emotions when I have my own, in which I rule the pebbles and the sand. Why would I need some one's emotions to show me what I am, to make me what they are? when I can just swim in my own ocean and become what I was Born with.
I do not know what I was born with, but I feel, what only I can feel and the emotions which I have, only I can see. Why look for someone to understand it when they can never come into my ocean because they were never the part of it at the first place.

I do not know a lot of things, the reasons like how my radio alarm reset itself this morning at 3:00am and how is my life being a link in the whole web of human kind. I'll never get the answers to a few questions because may be I do not want to know, may be my emotions are not letting me know it. I could over power my emotions and call up to check if somebody did go through my stuff, but that is so not me. I am what I
was born with and I think I am realizing it now.

DID you realize what you learned? if not then your emotions do not want you to... do not over-ride then and do not read my post again if you do not get it at once. You are born with your own sea, explore it, fly in it, sail on it, unleash it, because for you I ROASTED MY EMOTIONS TODAY.

Bright Days and Sunshine.